My List, Checked It Twice...

Dear Santa Claus,

How are you doing, you fat lazy bastard? Well fed, I bet. Why the hostility? Aside from the craptacular presents I’ve gotten in the past, I have a gripe with the fact that I’ve never really seen you do sh*t. The elves make all the damn presents, Mrs. Claus does all the cooking and hot chocolate-making (how stereotypical) and you work one friggin’ day a year. You probably whine about having to work on a holiday. Granted you supposedly travel around the world in a night, but it’s not like you have to come off any gas money; PETA should be on that ass for the way you treat those reindeer.

You would probably guess I don’t believe in you given the tone of this letter, but that isn’t the case. I do believe, but not necessarily by choice. If you’re not real, that would mean I sat on random dudes’ laps at the various malls every Christmas for four or five years straight. It makes me feel kind of dirty actually, so I’ll just go with the assumption that you’re the real deal.

This year I have a list of requests ‘cause you’ve really screwed me over in the past. Every damn year I get lumps of coal and I’m sick of it. I’ve been nice as sh*t this year. NO EXCUSES, St. Prick. This is my list for what I need to see happen in the 09 as far as hip-hop. If you can deliver on this, I will forgive you for the crap I got in my youth. I’ll forgive you for giving me my cousin’s bike (you couldn’t at least get a bike from one of my guy cousins?), the knock-off Air Jordans that have Jordan sliding to home plate, the hand-me-down sweaters that were long enough for me to trip over, the remote control car that need a jump-start (WTF, Santa), and puzzles that had missing pieces (you have any idea how incomplete the journey feels when there’s a hole in the picture after fitting 499 pieces together?). I’ll forgive it all if you just make the following things happen for me:

I hear Lupe is dropping his last CD in 2009. Talk to him. Make sure it’s not his last album. We need that guy in hip-hop. And if it indeed is his last album, let it be the unforgettable, phenomenal album that he has proven he can make.

Why is it that I have to turn to pop stations to hear rap songs that ain’t about money, hoes, or spending money on hoes? Go ahead and take care of that for me. A little variety on “urban” stations ain’t never hurt nobody.

Can somebody besides G-Unit drop an album from Aftermath? At this rate I’m willing to take anything. Joell, Busta, and Stat are already gone. I don’t know when Dr. Dre is dropping his joint. If real addicts had to wait this long for a Detox – you get the point. In fact, double it. Two non-Unit releases from Aftermath. I need that for the 09.

I need Lil’ Wayne to rap in English like he used to do. Remember the first two Carters and Dedications? Now, I swear it sounds like he’s grumbling a bunch of words that have no vowels. Restore coherence to the Weezy raps.

Kill the autotune. Gracias.

I’ve been waiting on a Joe Budden CD since rolling up one pant leg was cool. Yes, I’m exaggerating, but only slightly. Santa, you know what you have to do.

Soujahboy. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him, just his career. So, here’s what we’ll do. First, I’d like to ask that he acquire enough wealth to be financially set for life by the beginning of February. Then I want the kid take a hiatus from music to go to college (I wouldn’t be mad at a associate’s degree) and educate himself on just how dumbass his muzik is. Once he gets that memo, may he retire from rap forever. Educated or not, there’s just no way for him to make amends for the damage he has already done.

Yo, this slim jeans sh*t has gotta stop. It’s like these dudes are trying to get a yeast infection. Man up, son. Let the balls breathe. Ain’t even no kind of room to bend your knees. Then your knees will get all stiff and you’ll never be able to bend them again. Stop the slim jeans – prevent a whole generation from getting arthritis. Deep.

And last but not least, may good albums sell and bad albums do the opposite.

Simple requests, my dude. Simple requests. So, go ahead and take care of those for me. I’d appreciate it greatly. If not, screw a yule and shove a can of egg nog where the sun don’t shine. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good hip-hop album.

Sincerely,
Just K