The Situation Room...

Crisis Management
written by Just K

Rap artists are often famous for reasons other than their music. Outside of prison sentences, I’ve always wondered how they dealt with these surprise situations. I’ve never been there, but as you know, I sure can speculate. So, this is Just K’s take on hip-hop crisis management.

Situation #1

PRPerson: Dwayne, we’ve –

Lil’ Wayne: Weezy F Baby.

PRPerson: Fine. Weezy, we’ve got –

Lil’ Wayne: Please say the baby.

PRPerson: (sigh) Weezy, baby, we’ve got a problem.

Lil’ Wayne: Gangsters don’t have problems. We got situations. We handle situations. What’s the situation?

PRPerson: Supposedly pictures have surfaced on the internet of you and Baby in a
mouth-to-mouth kiss.

Lil’ Wayne: Yeah.

PRPerson: Do you kiss Baby on the mouth?

Lil’ Wayne: Damn right I kiss my daddy. Yeah.

PRPerson: Ok. Alright. Wow. Ok. Fine. What are we gonna do about this situation?

Lil’ Wayne: What situation?

PRPerson: The pictures of you two kissing?

Lil’ Wayne: Gangsters kiss they daddy. Martians kiss they daddy, ya dig?

PRPerson: Ummm…not really, but whatever. Do you want to release a statement
about this? Do you want to scale back the number of interviews?

Lil’ Wayne: Naw. I don’t wanna do sh*t. I’m good.

PRPerson: Nothing?

Lil’ Wayne: Nothing.

PRPerson: Nothing?

Lil’ Wayne: (takes a sip from a white cup and gives PRPerson a blank stare)

PRPerson: Ok, nothing. One question. What does the ‘F’ in Weezy F Baby stand for?

Lil’ Wayne: F***ing

PRPerson: Wait. So you’re Weezy F***ing Baby?!

Lil’ Wayne: Yeah.

PRPerson: Wow. Glad they only got the kissing pictures.

Situation #2

PRPerson: William, we’ve got –

Rick Ross: BAWSE!

PRPerson: Come again?

Rick Ross: BAWSE!

PRPerson: Whatever. William, we have –

Rick Ross: RAWSE!

PRPerson: Man, f***. I’m trying to talk to you, man. Can you take off the sunglasses?

Rick Ross: (removes glasses) You looking at a boss now.

PRPerson: Yeah. Pictures surfaced of you as a cop. What’s going on, man?

Rick Ross: (pauses to contemplate) Ross wasn’t no cop.

PRPerson: Do you mean you or the real Rick Ross?

Rick Ross: I’m just saying, bruh. Ross wasn’t no cop.

PRPerson: You just said the same thing twice. What happened to knowing Noreaga?
The real Noreaga?

Rick Ross: I do. I used to slide him cigarettes while I was watching him in the pen.

PRPerson: You were a C.O?

Rick Ross: Ross wasn’t no cop, bruh.

PRPerson: What happened to selling coke and moving kilos and all that?

Rick Ross: I’m a boss. I did that. Run with me or run from me. RAWSE!

PRPerson: So you did both? You sold drugs and you were a C.O.

Rick Ross: I did what I had to do.

PRPerson: So what do you want to do?

Rick Ross: Ride in my Maybach.

PRPerson: I mean about the pictures!

Rick Ross: I wasn’t no cop.

PRPerson: (shakes his head, leaves the room)

Rick Ross: RAWSE!